The Mental War with Fear and Self-Doubt

As a writer, I have struggled with self-doubt throughout writing my first novel.  When I made the decision to create a book, I wrestled with selecting a story. My imagination had several threads that had been dreamed up over the years. I couldn’t settle on one because I doubted whether anyone would like the characters.

My friend Debbie decided she would push me a bit. She has always been an avid reader of murder mysteries, so she came to me with a cast of characters and insisted I write her story.

I want to thank Debbie for doing that. The psychology of writing someone else’s story erased the fear of starting. After all, this wasn’t my story or my characters. What was there to fear? My brain converted the assignment to the equivalent of classroom homework. The writing began.

By the end of the first chapter, all that was left of Debbie’s story were the main character names. My imagination kicked in. Debbie’s plot was replaced by one of my creation, and I was on my way to writing a book of my own.

Because I didn’t start the story with a preconceived plot, I would run into walls at times, not knowing where the story was going to go next. Sometimes it was days, while other times it was weeks or months between writing bursts. My characters were the ones writing the story, not me. I had to wait for them to tell me what was coming next.

Sometimes real life inspired a segment. A happening would get incorporated into the plot, which then led to the next tangent in the storyline. I was as enthralled as any reader in what was coming next because I didn’t know.

In the end, the story told itself and came together nicely. Looking back, I am amazed at how it got done.

Now what?

It has been roughly six months since I finished the first draft. This week I am wrapping up work on this book. Why has it taken so long? The only truthful explanation is me. My fear. My self-doubt. I am scared to put it out there.

My friend, and prolific author, Lauren Carr has taught me that I am my own worst enemy. In the time between finishing the novel’s first draft to the time it goes to press, Lauren has published TWO novels. She is my inspiration and role model.

She is already broadcasting news about my next novel in order to get me moving. The pressure is on. My new characters are percolating and throwing story parts at me. This time I have a grand storyline in my head already. I know the beginning and the end. The middle is still being created.

At the moment, I am not fearful. I am excited. That will change. The first bad review will crank up the self-doubt inside me. But I have a few defenses against my fears this time around.

First, I know I am still on a learning curve. Like any first, my novel will have beginner errors in it. I know that, and I will learn from my mistakes.

Second, I have written a complete book already. So there is no question about whether or not I can. I’ve already done it.

Third, I have set a goal. By this time next year, book two will be done. I will have cut the time it takes me to tell a story in half. Then I will write book three in six months. That’s my plan. With an end target in sight, I have something to aim for. The finish line is concrete. That is a motivator.

I hope telling my experience has been helpful to you. Maybe you see yourself or maybe light has been shed on the source of your own block. My wish for you is that you get a strangle hold on the neck of your own fear. Choke it, so that you, too, can make a breakthrough in your writing.

Time Is the Enemy

Kristen Lamb speaks truth when she says time is the enemy of the writer. If you have followed my blog, you know I have worked in fits and starts on my novel. The manuscript has collected dust for months between writing sessions.

Recently I chose to cloister myself away from life to finish my first novel. It has been a struggle for the exact reason Kristen warns about: loss of momentum, massive re-writing, and sometimes loss of interest in the story because time has passed.

My terrier-like persistence is what keeps me working. Setting a daily quota of words also helps. I set a goal–1,000 words per day–that isn’t too arduous, but makes completion likely within a month. (I don’t write on weekends.)

My advice? Read the following and heed the warning!

Time is the Enemy

When writing anything (but especially fiction) taking time off can kill momentum. We need to go back, reread, familiarize ourselves with the story and characters (since we’ve slept since that last bit we wrote). This can lead to editing the beginning to death and stalls forward progress. We get bogged down in the first part of the book.

Take too much time? Likely, you’ll have to start all over.

I did. Yes, even NF authors are vulnerable to time.

I spent more effort trying to retrofit work I’d done for my agent back in 2011 than I want to admit. Finally, I just tossed most of the writing and started over. 100 pages of wasted work all because I didn’t keep writing.

My mistake. Won’t happen again.

Plodding Along

Mercury retrograde. That sinister time when computers go haywire. Sure enough, the day before yesterday, I got a virus and had to take my computer into the Geek Squad at Best Buy. The solution was easy. I bought new anti-virus software, a newer improved model.

So no writing time was lost. Still averaging 1,000 words per day in hammering out the rough draft. 40,000 total words is the goal–or thereabouts. I’ve got a ways to go. I’m working on Chapter 17.

3 Days of Writing and 2,800 Words

It’s Day 3 of the writing getaway. I am realizing this was a great idea. My production dropped a bit on Day 3. I think it’s because the writing I did  was mostly dialogue. It’s slower going when I write dialogue. It takes up more page space, but yields less words.

Outside the window of the room where I am working there is an abundance of air traffic today: black unmarked helicopters, small planes, commercial jet aircraft, brightly painted helicopters. It’s noisy, so I am declaring my writing done for the day.

Yesterday

It has taken me a little time to get situated in my new digs for my writing vacation. But the plan is working. I am writing!

I have completed a 7,200 word mystery short story. It is slated for publication with the works of other mystery writers in an anthology. The anthology will be used as a promotional giveaway at a writers’ conference. My goal is to have my novel done and ready for distribution/ sale at the same conference. My publisher Acorn Book Services is putting together the anthology to promote its stable of authors.

There has even been some talk about my sitting on a panel of new authors during the conference. That will only happen if I get the %$#@ book finished.

To that end, I wrote 1,000 words today on the novel. Since it has been MONTHS since I touched the manuscript, I had to read four chapters to reacquaint myself with the story line and characters before I could type a single word.  I made a vow to NEVER AGAIN let a book sit in the middle of writing it. It is too difficult to resume  the momentum of the story line once time passes.

So, Day 1 I chalked up 1,000 big ones. Onward and upward. . .at least I hope the tally keeps going up. My true confessions here will let you know if I keep my commitment. The plan is to write Monday through Friday, just like a real job. On the weekends I will reward myself. The size of the reward depends on how much writing I do.

The last time I touched the novel, I left things hanging in the middle of chapter thirteen. So I’d say I am about half way through the story. I have a bit more suspense-building to do in the tale, a few more twists and turns, before I can start wrapping it up.

Stay tuned.